+ Retrospect | The Bully

Bullying a girl I like? What's that about?

I read Carols' "Early Years "on bullies and the link to Barbara's "Sometimes You Don't Know Why". It triggered the guilt I thought had subsided through all these years.

Here's the flip side of the story. Many will hate and think differently of me for this, but here goes...

I have to confess that I did some terrible things when I was a kid. I was once a bully myself. Puny me. I could not believe it myself.

Not a nice feeling to recall my acts of stupidity. It would be even more hurtful to the victims. Well in this case victim, but it should hurt all the same.

I remember the one incident that stuck in my conscience till today.

My friends and I teased an Indian girl who was our classmate. I tugged on her braided hair and made her cry. It was suppose to be fun? It was an act of bravado for my friends, I guess, though I don't recall exactly why.

What I do know was that I think I kind of... liked her. Yes, it was a funny way, no... hurtful way of showing it. And yes, it was a stupid way of showing it! I am ashamed I did such a nasty thing.

I guess I could not understand what I was feeling then. I find her interesting and I liked her. She was taller than me, she looked pretty in her school uniform, and she was a quiet girl and an obedient pupil. She is everything nice.

Maybe I wanted to have some form of communication with her, befriend her, but I didn't know how. I was in my second year of kindergarten!

Yes, I was a twisted kid back then as I am now. The kid I mean! I am no longer twisted. Well I like to think so.

I remembered she screamed in shock when I pulled her hair, and remembered that she cried for a while.

That made me stopped and felt guilty. I was not thinking or afraid of what would happen to me afterwards, rather, I felt really bad. It was not fun at all.

What was I thinking?! Come to think of it, I was out of character. What had just happen?

Strangely enough I was not reported to the teacher, nor did her parents confronted me or my parents for my act. I still think she did not tell her parents about me. Why is that?

Till now, I regretted deeply what I had done. The guilt still feels strong whenever I recall that very incident. Saw her big eyes looking at me as if asking me what had she done to me to deserve that.

I cannot recall her name, nor can I ever imaging how she would look today.

If only I could turn back time and undo my terrible act. What is done is done, but only if I could say that I'm sorry to her. I deeply am.

No one should be treated or feelings hurt like that. No one!

I can never have closure. It is my punishment.

I hope I did not do any permanent damage to her. I hope she forgave me. I hope she had totally forgotten about that incident.

I hope she is a happy and successful individual with lots of wonderful kids like herself.